I am a Feminist

I realized more people can go through my blog if they searched me on Instagram. Since they can't see what I post, they would either have to await my approval to their follower's request or enter this blog which is well, accessible.

If someone happens to stumble upon my blog, they'll look come across disappointed posts from a young adult trying to navigate through this dog eat dog world.

What they don't know while there are so many frustrating things about this world( I feel the more I read, my outlook on the world becomes increasingly negative), somehow the only passion or I would say drive that is in me is to help.. WOMEN.

No this is not something I say just to get people to think that I am good-hearted person like Mother Theresa.

Sometimes when I feel life is not worth living anymore, the one thing that makes me not want to give up is simply one thing, "I haven't had the chance to help women".

This is all started when I was in High School when my friend had bought a book on women in Saudi Arabia. It's interesting how a book can kickstart something in your life. Somehow that book made me feel different things. I felt anger towards patriarchial men who would do anything to restrict women's freedom and somehow inspired that instead of accepting their circumstances, privileged women use their privilege to help women and to fight back.  

Now after many years of reading and seeing different things on the internet, I have become a Feminist. Initially, all I knew was that I wanted a female to be as equal as man. But over the years I started to learn that there are so many aspects to feminism. We cannot discount or forget other factors such as disability, class race, sexual orientation among others. As someone said, your feminism is not intersectional if does not include all of these factors. We simply cannot ignore all of this.

I do not shy away from being called a feminist. While I still do feel, I'm not doing enough or speaking up more on feminism, I am not ashamed of embracing feminism. Even now I'm slowly reading up on Indonesian Feminism and Feminism in Tamil Nadu because this feminism is closer to home and more applicable to us.

If there is one thing I know for certain that I want to do in life, is to help women. No matter what I do, I cannot stray away from this goal. While reaching this goal, I want to become a better feminist and read up more so I would be helpful and emphatic to those on the ground. It's not about becoming the voice for the voiceless but using my privilege or resources I have to help empower them to use their voice. 

Don't drown in the deep sea when you can swim across it

In times like this, I feel lost, I feel like kicking myself up in order not to drown in the deep ocean.

It doesn't help everywhere I look, all I see is people struggling like me.

It is worrying that our current education has left us tired and not hungry for more.

Or am I mistaking it for not wanting to put in the hard work required?

Whatever it is, I wish people around me didn't have to suffer like that.


What's the point of me telling how stressed out I am?

Person A would go "why are you being stressed for nothing?"

Person B would be "same here"

Person C would be like I have it harder.

Around me, "I'm searching for good thoughts and vibes".


Maybe that's a mistake to do. I should come up with it on my own and project it to others.

In a shitty world like this, good knows how much words of strength and encouragement we need to keep swimming and exploring the unknown.

12am thoughts

When I'm down, I turn to blogging.

I admit my grammar and sentence structure is still off. I admit I don't have the flair for writing.I can't come up with well thought or well put sentences.

But I won't give just yet.

I'm not gonna accept the fact that some people like me just don't have the gift of writing.I may not have the gift but I'm willing to improve and work on it.

Writing is a way where I can express myself. I can't do art, I can't dance, I have no other way of expressing myself.

Although I blame myself and I regret not pursuing this art when I was younger, I will not give up now.

I love imagining and writing. Sometimes when I get upset or get moved by world issues, writing here seems to allow me to explore a pathway I would not have discovered if not for writing. It allows me to find reasons and seek solutions.

Writing is a powerful tool and I shall use it.

A child should fly kites and not watch from a far, locked in a room

A few weeks ago, I remember reading in the Dear Thelma column about a student who is possibly going through depression because of school and exams.

As I read the article, I felt helpless.
I wish I could have helped that student. I want to give her hug and tell her that no matter what happens her grades do not define her.

It sucks that at that age she's been pressured to feel that way. The age where's she supposed to enjoy life and to be carefree is taken away by examination pressure and endless hours of tuition due to societal and parental expectation to achieve good grades.

I have to admit I was privileged in a way, my parents didn't pressure me to get good grades. They emphasized studying hard but even when I got bad grades, I wasn't punished,

But this girl was not lucky in that way. Her parents expected good results. To make it worse, when she complained about it to her teacher, someone who was supposed to help her. But her teacher being insensitive said she was stressed out too. I get you're stressed out, everyone is, but belittling and invalidating a teenager's feeling who might be depressed is certainly wrong.

You know why? Because they're at the age where they're growing up. They're battling with emotions and are dealing with hormonal change. Yes it's okay for them to face challenges but whatever she's facing, is something extreme which is something someone should help her with so that she doesn't believe that her future is dull rather it was a bright as the sunshine.

I remember when I was 12, sitting for UPSR when my school proposed to extend our usual extra class timing from the usual 3pm to 4pm. My mom thought it was ridiculous and since we were 12 year olds, we would be really exhausted so she was against it and voiced it out. My teacher who did not that my mom was the one who voiced it out told the whole class that 'if you're stressed, you don't think I'm stressed too? I have far more things to worry about.'

Looking back this statement made me mad because I don't think it's fair for a teacher to say that to a child who is supposed to be enjoying learning instead of being pressured to obtain good grades which honestly don't matter at the end of the day.

I hope that society will change. 
I hope we will play emphasis on actually learning instead of achieving good grades.
I hope our education system will change to incorporate other aspects that will help the child grow and not every aspect will be tested or a number is put on it.
I want children to soar in whatever they do.
I want them to reach their full potential.
I don't want them to think that their grades who they are.
I don't want them to look at themselves as failures for failing or not being good at something.
I want them to the change that we all want to see in the world.
I hope they would become revolutionaries. 

Parents should stop comparing their children grades. At school, while celebrating the students who have done well, find the talent of each student and help them work on it. I'm sick of schools picking the top best in the batch and focusing only on them to churn out results. School is a place of learning. Make every individual special. Don't pick and choose for your convenience. Don't exclude students just because you think they might do well. Students can surprise you like myself.

While obtaining knowledge in school, let children live their lives. Let them go out to play. Let them have a social life. Let them pursue their passions or hobbies. Let them be happy.

Labels

Let me say it up front.

I hate others putting labels on myself. 

I'm much more than the labels people put on me. 

You know when this thought emerged? 

Last week, someone I barely know approached me to ask me some tips.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind and like helping others but if you're only gonna talk to me just because I got an award, I rather you not asking me anything. 

Because I know for sure you wouldn't even look at me if I didn't receive that award. 

I do not like the label they put on me.  I'm beyond blessed and grateful for whatever I achieved but I feel it somehow comes with a price somehow.

Classmates who never cared about me before start asking me things, people lift me higher when I'm actually just a normal person like the rest of them. I'm nothing special, I feel I just got lucky. They have labelled me as the super smart person who they should only ask things from. 

I'm tired of them putting it on me and when I suddenly don't do well, I'm suddenly nothing to them. It's like my worth to them is only determined by a mere alphabet on a piece of paper rather than how I treat them, which is something they should care more about instead.

It happened before, I used to get good grades when I was 13-15. When my grades dropped when I was 16, suddenly no one cared about me anymore. It made me upset and I don't want to go through that again. I'm not defining others or being friends with others just because of grades in their exams.

Instead, Look at me because of who I am, Talk to me because of how I behave with you not because I might seem advantageous to you. 

Get to know me better, be friends with me, I'm definitely more than what you see. 

I have a colorful personality, I'm angry about certain issues, I like cute things.

I am the only one who is responsible for putting labels on myself. 

P/S: This is just an angry rant, hope it doesn't come out as me being ungrateful or anything xoxo

No matter what you do, No one is ever happy

One of the most important lessons that I've learnt in life is not to worry about what others think.

I learnt the choices and decisions I make, the path I take lies in my hand.

No one would ever be satisfied with what you do.

You do A, they would ask why didn't you do B instead?

But when you do B, others would ask why didn't you do C?

No one would ever be happy.

So what do you do faced with this confusing perspectives and paths to go for?

My answer as I write this is do YOU.

Yes you may ask for advice. You can collect as much information as you can. You can continue to seek for answers but at the end it's up to you to call the shots for yourself.

Because you know yourself much better.

It's scary but it would make you feel like you steer the course of your life, in a sense it would give you empowerment to yourself. 

If there is one thing to remind myself as I navigate through the slopes and windy roads of life, is to make bold choices and to find your own course even if it would be different than others.

Clueless

I remember when I was 16, I did not want to get left behind.
All my peers were talking about the famous tuition they went to.
I still remember the feeling it gave me, the insecurity that I didn't go for the best tuition,doubting if I were gonna be left behind or not achieve the A's I've desired.

Of course after getting my SPM results I laughed thinking how silly I was, I realized i didn't have to go for tuition in the first place, my school teachers were good enough.

Fast forward to 2019, the year I wanted to shine and take chances I can't help but wonder if I'm still behind.
I live in a competitive world where you need to be different from others
My thoughts are formed by thoughts of others.
I'm constantly seeking on what is the right way and letting everyone tell me what is right and wrong.
Sometimes different opinions contradict leaving me clueless
Me the clueless girl, always seeking advice from others,taking them blindly assuming that if they're coming someone successful, they should be telling the right thing.
When I don't do something everyone said I should do, I feel inadequate,feeling I'm already falling behind in this merciless rat race.

So am I really being left behind?
Or is it overthinking taking over me again?

We are products after all

Maybe I just want things to be easy.
Maybe I'm just a spoilt person who does not know how to go through hardships.
Maybe I'm used to having everything given to me.
Maybe I'm just lazy
Or Maybe I just follow my emotions too much.

Although I have not entered the real world, I have started to feel the pinch of it slowly. About how you need to be more responsible in a lot of aspects and how to manage your time. It may be valuable skills to learn but there is another thing that hits you really hard when you grow up. Sometimes I feel it's a slap in the face.


I often hear of the phrase of  how the world is unfair and all you need to do is to deal with it. Sometimes you're out on your own and it's really up to you whether you choose to take chances or make mistakes.

Which makes me worried being an extremely dependent person when it comes to making decisions. I'm so afraid of not making the right choices and messing up so I rely on others to decide me. But then when I come to this age, I need to start deciding for myself which makes it more scarier. You need to start accepting shit apparently.

One of the things that have been stressing me out is how when I'm done with my degree, I would have to fight to get a job,something which I don't personally agree with it and something I'm not used to. I remember someone told me how we the middle class people don't know how to fight since all our lives things have been givien to us and when there is an opportunity we dunno how to grab it. In other words, we wouldn't know how to survive in the real world. This statement hit me really hard because this made me realise how both I'm priviliged and how screwed up I am.

It's funny how no one taught us to survive. All what we learnt in school was purely bookish knowledge. My parents always wanted me to study rather than learn how to face the real world. Probably they were trying to protect me from the real world.

Sometimes I wonder how my parents survived the real world. They never talked tales of it,probably they somehow learn to live with it. But they were lucky they didn't have to fight as hard as us to get a job. All they had to do was to get a degree and a job would be there to us.

Remember I told you I personally didn't agree with the competition. Why do I agree it would increase the efficiency of a person(it makes us sound like we're machines) it also kills spirit. It kills talents that we need because of the amount of competition. Perhaps we're just weak enough to face the competition so we blame it on the competition rather than fighting. Or this practice is completely unfair because instead of making more people successful together to create a better human race,we're crushing it. We might be crushing potential talents just because they didn't get the chance or the encouragement as the others. We're crushing the potential change makers,we're not allowing people to all succeed together to create a wave of change.

We go to university not to learn something rather than to prepare ourselves for the future. If you really do go to university do something you really like the next question comes in from your parents,

What can you do with that degree?

This happened to me. I blame myself because I didn't do enough research to convince my parents that all I wanted to do was Gender Studies. They were like what job you can get? If I did enough research of course I could have found something.

But again I'm happy I'm not in the real world yet. Although we make mistakes,the worst that would happen  is probably we'll get yelled at or fail an exam. But in the real world, if made mistakes lot of things can happen.

People have different times to fly with their wings

Sometimes I don't understand why I'm so hard on myself. Why do I keep comparing other people's achievements with mine? Why do I let others define what I've accomplished? I need to set goals as a reminder to myself to not let others bring you down.

Goal no 1: Do not be jealous of other's achievements,be proud of them,celebrate with them,they might have taken the hard road to get there.

Goal no 2 - Other people's strengths or talents do not make you a lesser person,some people have different weapons and shields, everyone is a different superhero.

Goal no 3-Just because you didn't achieve it doesn't mean you're worth nothing,your time will come when you finally fly.

Goal no 4- Be proud of every step you take,move forward and  do not retreat, the journey matters,not the destination.

Goal no 5- Let criticisms be a teacher, learn from it and do not make the same mistakes. Do not get mad by them, they're only trying to help you become the best of yourself.

Goal no 6- Do not let anyone devalue yourself,remember we all start at different points,we all have different struggles,we all have different strengths,we all move on a personalized and unique path,our experiences are totally different.

However my biggest dream is to live in a world where don't constantly compare ourselves each other, instead we motivate each other,celebrate each other and move together to form a better world.If that ideal world exists,we would be producing more superheroes and not villains.

Sometimes you need to jump into the unknown to enjoy life

One of the things that I'm most grateful for in life was to go on an exchange program.

No it was not a vacation,it was a life-changing experience.

No I'm not going to talk about the cliche' or normal things you would expect when you go on an exchange. This would be my version on how such a program has impacted me and has given me opportunities in many ways.

First and foremost it was the first activity I joined that did not require you to be the outstanding and extroverted person who would most likely be hired in this competitive world that we live in. It required you to be only yourself and let your personality shine through. For that I felt grateful because I do remember feeling intimidated by all the better students. I still remember thinking I would never get the chance to go on an exchange that was fully funded because I was assuming that they only wanted the best of the best. But I was wrong and I was happy they let you be you instead of faking to be someone else.

Other than that, I was able to gain certain life skills which I would have not got if I didn't go on the exchange. I learned to manage my finances,call or email someone if I had a problem, leave in a completely different culture and make new friends out of the blue. I made a friend who was a true friend to me and who I had a lot of fun with in doing things like stargazing and riding in a trolley in the middle of an empty parking lot. I was able to go to places that I could only dream about like Universal Studios and the Grand Canyon. And most importantly, I became more patriotic of my country and was proud of the little things that our country had like the food and night markets which where it was foreign in the place I went. I learnt that every country has its strengths and its problems as once an aunty told me,'the grass is sometimes not greener on the other side'.

The land of the free taught me more about freedom of speech,how women can be bus drivers and in sociology class about the gender pay gap, sexuality and gender and the Westboro Baptist Church. I discovered the beauty of dance and had an amazing teacher who kept encouraging me although I was really bad at it. I fell in love with dance but I did not continue it,maybe in the future I'll pursue it again. I had an interesting English Literature teacher who dressed up as a knight in one class.

The best part is the journey still continue even after your program has ended. I got to meet amazing people who have become my close friends,friends who have restored my faith in the goodness of people and other amazing personalities. I got chances to work as a committee in a project and even facilitate a session. I swear I would not have gotten the opportunity if I hadn't gone on the program because it's hard to get opportunities in other places because they are more talented people or there is  no one to encourage you to enter projects or attend events.

I got to attend activities and go for workshops which taught me more about culture,how to suspend judgement and not to be stereotypical.

Looking back at all this I'm extremely blessed that I have had the chance to do all this. Although I may not have had any other chances, I'm thankful for this life-changing experience. People say going on an exchange is a waste of money,I beg to differ. It's an investment that brings you further in your life-journey.

Black Beauty

I have always been dark-skinned all my life. I have not been severely bullied but I've had some experience with it.

Somehow growing up in Asia,being dark is completely undesirable. It's as though you've been cursed with it when all it is a different shade of skin tone. I still don't understand why people would make fun of it or even discriminate you for it. What is so bad about being dark-skinned? Why does society look at it as if we're unlucky to have a different colour in the skin tone range. Writing this post evenI don't seem to understand why being dark-skinned is such a bad thing after all. Maybe it's because the culture of colourism has taken place where it is defined by Wikipedia as a form of prejudice or discrimination in which people are treated differently based on the social meanings attached to skin colour. 

I was fortunate that I grew up in a family where being dark skin wasn't really a problem. No one made fun of it and for that I'm extremely grateful. For some, they might not have been very lucky growing up with a family who constantly comments on your skin tone and make you use all kinds of products to make you look fairer. As though they're helping you cure a so-called disease to them. I do recall my grandmother giving me turmeric paste to wash my face with but thankfully she didn't prolong the habit. If she was trying to make me fairer, boy she was wrong.

As usual the market takes advantages of humans insecurities and you'll be amazed to see all kinds of whitening products out there. A lot of adverts are out there showing how by using creams like Fair and Lovely,you would have that fair skin that is so desired by all. It's baffling how these racists ads are still out there and how some people are still influenced. We can't fully blame them as well, society has made them think that fair=beautiful.

The cosmetics market in Malaysia do not consider people with darker skin tones as their valued customers. I don't mind using drugstore makeup such as foundation for my skin but I can never find my shade in a drugstore place. So I end up having to splurge at an high-end makeup store to get my shade. It might be of a better quality but I don't need an expensive foundation if I'm not going to use it frequently. It's definitely unfair that some girls can look great with makeup from drugstores while us the dark-skinned chicks have to find foundation elsewhere just because our skin tone doesn't fit into the range. Being an Indian I thought maybe I could get the foundation that matches my skin properly when I went to an Indian shop. However I couldn't because somehow some Indians prefer to be fairer than they usually are so of course all the foundations sold are definitely for lighter skin tones. Thankfully certain brands like Fenty Beauty by Rihanna and Huda Beauty realize that a wider range of skin tone foundations is needed and everyone is happy because they can finally use a foundation that matches their skin tone perfectly. Sometimes I even have a problem of finding an eyeshadow palette that would match my skin tone because some of them can't be seen on my skin.

From personal experience, a friend once told me that if only I was fairer,I would have been prettier. Of course at that time I wished I was indeed fairer but looking back I was grateful that I slowly began to accept,embrace and be proud of my dark skin. Some of my friends have occasionally joked about my skin tone and I know they wouldn't want to hurt me so I took it as a joke but now when I look back I shouldn't have, after all there's nothing to mock or joke about having dark skin. I have been referred to as black a few times but that won't put me down. Even once I still remember when I was 10 or 11, one of my classmate's mom was surprised I could achieve better results than her daughter in our exams because I was dark-skinned. Like my brains as anything to do with my skin tone. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it but my mom did and she was right to do so. I even got told not to wear dark colours because then I wouldn't look obvious. There was another incident when I was young when my friend told me she initially didn't want to be friends with me because I was dark. There was once a girl who didn't want to touch me although we were in the same class because I was to her 'black'.

I've seen other friends of mine being teased for being dark-skinned. They would call them black and would crack the I can't see you in the dark jokes. I've heard once someone talking with the person next to them at a wedding and they were wondering how is the bride's sister going to get married  just because she's dark. Well good news she did end up getting married to someone she loved. I know a lot of people don't like being under the sun because they're scared they would get darker or in their own words 'black'. It's surprising how getting skin cancer is not as important as getting dark. To my horror,I've seen makeup artists trying to make brides fairer with foundations that do not match their skin tone at all resulting in the bride looking like a ghost on stage.Sometimes even if they have blended a lighter tone foundation on the bride,it's obvious that it's definitely not the bride's original skin tone when you compare them with the bride's arms.

I know some boys would prefer a girl with fairer skin to be their girlfriends which would result in seeking girls from other races not because of genuine love but because they feel dark skin girls are ugly although they're dark skin themselves. There are people who find dark skinned people not worthy of being in a relationship with them or not desirable at all to them although that person might have a good heart. Of course thankfully not everyone is like that but there are a group of people who are. But the sad part is I know a lot of girls who would turn down a boy with a good heart just because he's dark when that shouldn't be the case. The most ridiculous thing is when they have marriage ads where just because a guy has a higher education and a high-paying job, they are entitled to a fair and beautiful wife. 

Thankfully there have been campaigns about embracing the dark skin tones and there are models who  are inspiring movements to be proud of their dark skin tones. A girl on Instagram even started  a campaign called #todarkforwho which has helped a lot of a dark skinned women who have been having problems or insecurities about their dark skin tone.

I will certainly not be apologetic for it and  I would not feel sorry for not having that desired shade.Instead I would be proud to embrace who I am. Colour doesn't matter. We're all different flavours in the human race. Let's be proud of whatever skin tone we have because that's what makes us beautiful,unique and who we are. Everyone is beautiful just the way they are and nothing should be done to change any of that. 

Most importantly,be you!